29 Dec Accelerate: Caught in a Double Bind

Bias can work from various directions against women. Use these strategies to help quell it.

By Kimberly Olson

Zoë Gamble, president of CleanChoice Energy, recalls meeting someone at a conference who said to her, “I’ve heard you’re ruthless.”

“I’m thinking, ‘ruthless?’” she says. “That is not the word I’d use to describe myself. I’m a deeply empathetic human being who often hopes to find win-win situations.”

When a woman takes charge, she’s often perceived as too tough, according to Catalyst, a gender equity thought leader. If she’s more nurturing, she may appear likable—but less competent. This phenomenon, called the double bind, leaves many women feeling like they can’t win.

“Women have long had a more complex and challenging career journey than men because of the conscious and unconscious biases and double binds that exist for women that do not exist in the same way for men,” says Margie Warrell, PhD, C-suite leadership coach and author of The Courage Gap: 5 Steps to Braver Action. “It can vary by industry and cultural context, but there’s no doubt that when women act the way that men act, they can be perceived far more negatively than men are.”

Fortunately, women can take steps to mitigate the double bind.

Practice awareness

Assess before you act, starting with self-awareness. “[Ask yourself,] ‘How am I feeling right now? Maybe I’m being triggered’,”Warrell advises. When you get feedback, mine it for truths. “Where might you be being pleasing?” Gamble says. “Where might you be being overly dominating? Are you too attached to your worldview? The first side of the street you need to clean up is your own.”

Develop situational awareness, too, tailoring your behavior to the moment. Ask yourself how you can be most effective with these particular people, given the current perceptions and dynamics.

Voice the unspoken truth

Research shows that addressing bias before it rears its head can be effective. As Warrell says, “If I disagree with what everyone at the table is saying, and I sense that disagreeing could work against me, I could say, ‘I appreciate that people might feel that I’m trying to push my agenda forward. However, it’s important to consider that this strategy may have shortfallings.’ When we put it on the table that we’re risking being perceived as too bitchy, a bully, and ambitious, that makes the unconscious conscious for people.”

Be courageous

Warrell urges women to close their courage gap—the distance between what they’re capable of doing and what they actually do. By succumbing to fear, a woman deprives herself of opportunities to learn, grow, and be successful. Staying in her comfort zone often means staying in problematic situations, creating more stress. As a leader, when we aren’t courageous, we’re also not making things better for others.

Practice acting despite fear. “We’re often more afraid than we need to be,” Warrell says. “Women are more likely to devalue their strengths and overvalue the experiences and capabilities they don’t have.”

Facing fears helps us develop our “affect tolerance,” the ability to handle being uncomfortable. Many people are terrified of public speaking and have had to cultivate that skill and have gotten better. “We literally rewire our brain,” Warrell explains. “I call it training the brave. Being willing to defy our doubts and embrace discomfort is a catalyst for growth.”

Be vulnerable

If someone rubs you the wrong way, approach them with vulnerability and curiosity. Gamble advises, “Say, ‘Part of me is imagining that you think that I’m being too pleasing. Is that true?’ There might be something entirely different going on with that person. Asking that question gives the person—without accusation—an opportunity to be responsible for how they might be misperceiving you.”

Be compassionate

Great Place To Work found that 70 percent of employees are more likely to go the extra mile at work when they feel cared for. Compassion builds trust and credibility with your team, potentially helping counteract the double bind.

“For centuries, mostly male leaders have been operating within a ‘control and compete’ mindset,” says Susan Kuczmarski, EdD, cofounder of Kuczmarski Innovation and coauthor of Apples Are Square: Thinking Differently About Leadership. “But the times are changing. More and more, at the helm of successful companies, you’ll find a different sort of leader. Collaborators, not controllers, they are ‘square apples,’ bold women—and men, too—who dare to create success and express compassion by reshaping the workplace into dynamic and inclusive cultures that serve others.” 

These modern leaders are generous, supportive, kind, and nonjudgmental. “Active forms of compassion include deep listening and talking, providing recognition, and using descriptive praise,” Kuczmarski says.

Sarah Lehman, CEO at Zartico, was once a servant leader who took pride in “eating last,” but she realized that it sometimes cast her as weak. “Now, I define my leadership style as empathetic accountability combined with radical candor,” she says. “Empathy is more than listening with curiosity. It’s also about having the ability to understand the business world through various lenses because you have spent time understanding [the other person’s] role, goals, and challenges.”

Avoid getting stuck

The company you’re working for should align with your values. “Seek organizations that prioritize accountability and measurable performance,” Lehman says.

If you can’t escape the double bind, consider a change. “Women are more likely to stay in jobs because of our loyalty to our boss and because it’s comfortable, whereas men will exit a role to take another one,” says Warrell. “Don’t let what’s comfortable now get in the way of taking new opportunities.”

Despite bias, women can remain bold. “The double bind is important to recognize, [but] sometimes freedom from something is giving up resisting it,” Warrell says. “I can complain, or I can become powerful in the face of another person’s perception of me. I would caution not letting [the double bind] be an excuse for keeping your voice quiet. The opportunity is to be courageous in the face of our fear of judgment, to say what we think, even if we’re risking having the wrong idea. That, more than anything, is what the world needs from women.” EW

Kimberly Olson is a writer based in Brooklyn, New York.